Tag Archives: stress

Super Hero Consciousness

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Our mind increases in strength and power when we free it from the worry and anxiety that make us stress repeatedly and unnecessarily. I say unnecessarily based on research which found that 85% of what we worry about never happens[1]. Stress fragments the mind and a fragmented mind keeps us in survival mode, where life becomes more about just making it through the day than about excelling and flourishing. We can become stuck in routines, unable to go beyond it to test ourselves and break the psychological limits we’ve been programmed into believing. When we stop thinking primarily about ourselves, our problems and our limits; when we let go of fearing failure and drop the insecurity that says were not good enough, we undergo a truly heroic transformation of consciousness that literally stimulates the brain to make a human being powerfully creative [2]. Then we discover, in the words of Bruce Lee, that “there are no limits, only plateaus that we must go beyond.” This is what it means to live a heroic life.

Change but our mind and our world changes accordingly. Our state of mind creates the life we live. The difference we make in the world depends on the way we choose to live our life, and the biggest difference comes from allowing love, joy, purpose and inner peace to be the statement our life makes every day through all our endeavors.

Mother Teresa once said that she used to believe prayer changed things, but found that prayer changes us, and we change things. Essentially, we become the change we want to see in our world, which in turn changes our world, to paraphrase Gandhi.

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This heroic transformation of consciousness begins with taking total responsibility for our life, which is the heroic part. From there it proceeds to becoming crystal clear about what matters most to us. Thomas Merton wrote, “All problems are resolved and everything is made clear simply because what matters is clear.” And neuroscience has established that what matters most in sustaining brain power is a dynamically positive and peaceful mindset [3]. It is a state of mind producing brain states that not only predict greater success, health and happiness; it also produces those transcendental moments when we feel at one with creation.

 

The mental strength gained from a positive and peaceful mindset does not happen by itself; it requires a daily practice that accentuates the positive within us, gradually rewiring our brain to make calm, creative and optimistic our brain’s set point. Achieving a positive mindset is simpler than you might believe and change can happen quickly, within four to eight weeks with a consistent practice.

You can get started right now by viewing the 8-minute video below entitled Accentuate the Positive. This is the second video in a 12-part video miniseries called Radical Peace, which you will find at https://theendofstressbook.com/the-miniseries/

[1] Robert L. Leahy, Ph.D., The Worry Cure, Random House, 2005, pg. 15
[2]John Kounios et al., “The Prepared Mind: Neural Activity Prior to Problem Presentation Predicts Subsequent Solution by Sudden Insight,” Psychological Science 17 (2006): 882–90.
[3] Joyce Shaffer, Ph.D., Neuroplasticity and Positive Psychology in Clinical Practice: A Review for Combined Benefits. Psychology, 3, 1110-1115. 

The Good Life

I’ve written two books on stress, and the latest one I boldly entitled The End of Stress.  Now when I’m out on book tours, or presenting keynotes and seminars people ask me if I’ve ended stress in my life, once and for all.

The truth is we end stress in the present moment—right here, right now—not once and for all. We either end stress by choosing to be undaunted and at peace the moment a stressor raises its head … or we don’t. Peace is the polar opposite of stress and anxiety. It instills a calmer, clearer perspective that in turn generates much better brain function.

More often than not, becoming stress-free is a correction we make to be at peace, after we’ve allowed a stressor to grow into a mental storm, like I did one Saturday morning cleaning the house. The way I was going about my chores was stressful to the point of making me edgy and negative. I started out fighting with a broken appliance I had to fix and feeling irritated with one of the screws that wouldn’t unscrew. It was as if a trickster god was tightening the screw as I was trying to loosen it.

Next, I was annoyed at having to unload the dishwasher. As I went about cleaning the rooms, it seemed there was ten times more work than usual. I felt victimized that there was no one to help me, and I was wishing I had the money to afford a housekeeper, the lack of which intensified my bad mood.

Then, mercifully, I caught myself in the middle of an unhappy string of self-pitying, resentful thoughts. I stopped with the chores for a moment and practiced not believing any of the thoughts my bad mood was thinking. I managed to let go of thinking altogether, and gave my mind the chance to quiet down. I made the conscious choice to be at peace with whatever chores I had left. As I made this commitment, lines I’d memorized years ago from a poem by D. H. Lawrence came to mind:

As we live, we are transmitters of life.
And when we fail to transmit life, life fails to flow through us.
Give, and it shall be given unto you
is still the truth about life. . . .
It means kindling the life-quality where it was not,
even if it’s only in the whiteness of a washed pocket-handkerchief.

As I recited the lines, my attitude shifted. At that very moment, a cloud blocking the sun passed and the sunlight poured through the windows and lit up the room. All at once, everything was OK. I was calm and my mind was much happier. I felt alive and awake, as bright as the sunlight. It surprised me, as it always does when I rediscover how vibrant inner peace actually makes a human being. Peace is not just a sweet sentiment on a holiday card; it’s the quality that makes the mind dynamic and expansive (the complete opposite of what stress does to the mind).

I looked around to see what chores still remained, and set upon them. Work flowed like a dance. As I was raking the last of the leaves in front of the house, a bird flying by caught my eye, and I watched it land in the Japanese maple tree across the street.

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It was autumn and the maple leaves had all turned scarlet red. Some of the leaves had shed, creating a velvet blanket of red on the sidewalk.  I looked down the street and noticed that the sycamores had shed half of their leaves. Their network of dull gray branches were now exposed that the autumn light turned silver in places. From where I stood, the street gradually sloped down to the avenue, and across the avenue was a large field covered in brown decaying grass with shoots of new green grass emerging from the decay. Overhead a falcon, fluttering in midair, scanned the field for prey. And above this small but beautiful corner of the world was a pale blue autumn sky. For a moment, I felt at one with the world.

As I turned to go back inside the house, I thought if I hadn’t shifted my attitude, I would never have experienced that moment of splendor. I thought of Carl Rogers, the great American psychologist, and his idea of the good life, by which he simply meant being well, then doing well on your way to flourishing. For Rogers, the good life emanated first and foremost from “being well.” This is what the research on happiness shows. Only 10% of what makes us happy is attributable to our circumstances. A positive, peaceful attitude is four times more likely to achieve the good life. It’s has a bigger impact on our quality of life than making more money, getting a better job, or, as in my case that day, being able to afford a housekeeper.

The more we make the correction to peace, the more it becomes our attitude, and the better our life goes. The good life is not so much a set of circumstances or even a fixed state of mind as it is the direction in which our attitude is pointed. To quote Ernest Holmes:

“If everyday things are a little better, a little more harmonious, a little more health giving and joyous; if each day we are expressing more life, then we are going in the right direction.”

De-stressing the Holidays Couldn’t Be Simpler

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Thanksgiving through New Year’s is the time in America when we celebrate peace – at least in theory. It’s the time of year we’re encouraged to remember that peace on earth begins with peace in our own hearts. So, the cure to holiday stress is simple. Make the holidays about the opposite of stress, which is peace, which is the one thing the holidays are meant to be about. Make peace the quality you aspire to be every day this holiday season. Peace is not hard; stress is hard. Peace is incredibly simple. The more you practice peace, the easier it gets, and the easier your life becomes. Below are ten simple qualities of peace and directly below each box is a simple approach to achieving each quality. Look them over and choose the ones that speak to you and your situation, then turn it into a daily practice. Qualities and Practices for a Peaceful Holiday 1. Peace is quiet, so each morning this holiday season wake up a little earlier ahead of the rush. Start your day in quiet in a place where you won’t be disturbed.

  • Follow your breathing.
  • Imagine each breath softening your heart and opening it wider.
  • Feel appreciation for the gift of another day of life.
  • Feel appreciation for another day to be with the ones you love.
  • Set the intention to have a great day, achieving meaningful results in your work.
  • Equally, set the intention to succeed at love, peace and joy.

2. Peace is rejuvenating, so take breaks and catch your breath.

  • Every couple of hours each day, step away from the rat race.
  • Observe what the sky is doing.
  • Watch the wind blow, the sun shine, or the snow fall.
  • Allow yourself to feel connected to life.

3. Peace is grateful. So, once a week, before going to sleep, count your blessings.

  • Name three things that happened during the previous week for which you are grateful.
  • Then name three things of your life, generally, for which you feel blessed.

4. Peace is spacious. Now and then, take a time-out to open your mind a little wider.

  • Tell yourself to go a little slower, and not to be so nervous or negative.
  • Open your heart a little wider.
  • Practice thinking less and loving more.
  • Tell yourself and often that everything is going to be alright.
  • Refocus your attention on this moment, right here, right now, and allow life to surprise you.

5. Peace is forgiving. So forgive the past.

  • Forgive everyone, including yourself.
  • Forgive every bad thing that has happened, is happening now, and is sure to happen again.
  • Forgive the past so completely that you’re standing in the present facing the future with vision.

6. Peace is intelligent. It takes the middle way and stays balanced.

  • Peace doesn’t eat too much or spend too much or withhold too much.
  • Peace doesn’t argue, defend or complain.
  • It changes the things it can change, accepts the things it can’t change, and it can tell the difference between the two.
  • Peace is not co-dependent. It’s no one’s fool and no one’s doormat. It’s smart enough to walk away from dysfunction and stand out of harm’s way.

7. Peace is self-confident. It doesn’t worry.

  • So don’t worry about anything this holiday season.
  • Pracitce letting go of outcomes and trusting the process.

8. Peace is compassionate, so don’t judge.

  • Don’t judge yourself when you slip up, become stressed, or behave badly.
  • The same goes for other people’s mistakes, nonsense, and blunders.
  • Let it all go and start over, renewing your intention to be at peace.

9. Peace is flexible. It lets you into its house through the back door as well as the front door.

  • If you are not at peace, use the back door. Be at peace with your non-peace.

10. Peace has faith. It’s an attitude of faith and trust.

  • There is no degree of stress in any situation that faith cannot soften.
  • Often the problem in life is not the situation we face but the lack of faith with which we face it.

It’s a no brainer. You will have a happier, less stressful holiday if you commit to practicing even three of the above. The better angels of your nature will come out and create a holiday to remember.

Quieting the Crtitical Inner Voice that Shames You

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from my article in the Huffington Post

Imagine making a mistake that holds the threat of negative consequences for your family or your work. As you sit there alone, aware that it’s your mistake, and it must be disclosed, what is your internal dialogue? What are the words you’re likely to call yourself?

If you’re like most people, the words you’ll direct at yourself will be condemning. These harsh words spring from shame, which is the moral condemnation that guilt becomes when you believe something you did wrong means something is wrong with you.

Shame is at the bottom of that critical voice in your head that follows you everywhere, waiting for the chance to berate, criticize, and blame you, whispering its insults in your ear or shouting them in your face. This voice grows out of all the times when the people who were supposed to love and encourage you, or teach and mentor you, admonished your efforts instead.

But don’t despair; there’s a cure to shame and it’s simpler than you might think.

I’ll get to the cure in a moment, but first let’s briefly look at the problem.

Freud defined shame as the fear of loss of love,[1] which leads to being controlled by what others think and say about you. “[It’s] the fear of disconnection,” says Dr. Brené Brown, “… of being perceived as flawed and unworthy of acceptance or belonging.”[2]

And it’s very stressful. Margaret Kemeny’s research found that “stress caused by how others view you is extremely powerful, as much or more so than [that] caused from . . . working too hard.” [3] Her research found that “acute threats to our social self increase stress hormones and proinflammatory cytokine activity occurring in concert with shame.” [4]

In short, shame is a condition that can seriously compromise the brain function that enables you to succeed and  the immune function that keeps you healthy.

Albert Ellis, the founder of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, found that there are two shame-based sentences that people tell themselves.

(1) The first sentence is I made a mistake; I made an error, and I got it wrong. This may invoke feelings of guilt or frustration, but if we were to stop here, the crisis would only represent an error to correct or a lesson to learn, extending the opportunity to grow or advance.

(2) The second sentence is This mistake I made . . . This event that turned out badly . . . This thing I got wrong . . . This way I behaved . . . it means that there’s something wrong with me. This is guilt or frustration becoming shame. It has us saying to ourselves I’m not good enough; I’m not smart enough; I’m not worthy enough; all of which calcify into the belief that I deserve whatever punishment is coming. And it’s this sentence – this belief – that does the damage.” [5]

Shame is psychologically painful, which makes us afraid to make a mistake, more because of the emotional punishment we inflict on ourselves than for anything the world might do to us. Eventually, a shame-based mind represses its mistakes to avoid feeling bad, preventing the possibility of learning from a mistake, which only increases the likelihood of repeating the blunder. Thus, mistakes can’t teach us anything. We become afraid to take risks, which limits our growth.

The problem with repression is that it isn’t selective. We can’t numb ourselves to difficult feelings, such as shame, without numbing ourselves to empowering feelings, like joy, passion, and peace, and this lessens our sense of self. We form facades and pretenses to compensate, which of course makes us feel even more inauthentic. As a result, we can’t see what’s right or true about us, and a narrow view of our strengths, talents, and contributions take hold. As a result, we can’t see what’s right or true about us, and a narrow view of our strengths, talents, and contributions take hold. Research shows that people struggle at naming a few good points about themselves, but easily fill two pages of things they perceive as faults. [6]

So, here’s the cure.

The cure is found in the words of Carl Rogers, arguably one of America’s greatest psychologists.  Rogers said, “What you are is good enough if you would only be it openly.” Does that sound too simple and too small to effect something as large as shame.

Becoming good enough begins with the simple step of accepting yourself exactly as you are, which is not easy, at least at first. It entails closing the gap between “I am” and “I should be;” which is the gap between the authentic you that’s true and realizable, and the ideal self that’s illusion. The ideal self is the image of the person you think you should be that is always out of reach, imposing an unrealistic  standard you can never meet. It becomes a measuring stick that says you’re failing in some way, even when you’re doing well.

Transcending the ideal self begins with awareness. It’s being mindful of facades and pretenses your ideal self fabricates, so you can let them go. It’s being mindful of facades and pretenses, so you can let them go. It’s understanding that it doesn’t help to act one way on the outside when you actually feel another way inside. It doesn’t help to pretend to know the answer when you don’t.

It’s being open to your experience, listening to yourself with acceptance. It’s learning to identify clearly what you’re feeling. The more you’re able to experience all of your feelings, the less you’re afraid of any of your feelings, including shame.

This facilitates the courage to accept that you’re not perfect or infallible; that you make mistakes, that you don’t always function in the best way or always achieve the best result. No one does. Ironically, the courage to be imperfect opens the way to experiencing the whole of you. The critical voice of shame no longer negates the better angels of your nature or blocks your strengths and talent. This quality of undefended openness is what leads to the realization that what you are is good enough.

In this way, your experience gradually becomes your authority. Other people’s ideas, judgments, and perceptions, while considered, cease to over-rule or control you. By definition, that’s personal power. Your relationships also become more meaningful and alive because your deepening sense of connection with yourself increases your regard and empathy for others.

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[1] Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents (New York: Norton, 2005), 123–24.
[2] Brené Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough,” (New York: Gotham Books, 2007), Kindle edition, Kindle location: 638–39.
[3] Amy Maxmen, “Secret Shame: Do You Fear What Others Think of You? How Shame Can Hurt Your Health,” Psychology Today, October 26, 2007, http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200710/secret-shame
[4] S. Dickerson, T. Gruenewald, and M. Kemeny, “Shame, Physiology, and Health,” Journal of Personality 72, no. 6 (December 2004): 1191–1210.
[5] “Albert Ellis—On Guilt and Shame—RARE 1960 recording, part 2,” uploaded by ProfessorMystic to YouTube, June 4, 2009, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuNWeI_l0F4.
[6] Herbert Arthur Otto, A Guide to Developing Your Potential (North Hollywood, CA: Wilshire Book Co., 1977), 172.

Take Your Vacation. It Will Rebuild Your Brain.

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More than one in three of us are forfeiting our vacation time.  Instead of taking time to renew, most of us are working harder than ever, an average 49 hours a week. We are putting in 100-200 more hours per year than our parents.  We sleep less than our parents did; one to two hours less.  Those are averages; you might be working more and sleeping less than that.

Two million years of lost vacation time

We talk about vacations, plan them, dream about them and then fail to take one. As much as a half billion vacation days will go unused this year.  Surveys reveal that we don’t take vacations because we fear an adversary will get ahead of us, or that work will pile up while we’re gone.  If we do take a vacation, we take work with us.  A survey found that 92% of those away on vacation frequently check in with the office.  That’s really not a vacation.

The Reward for Taking Vacation Time

A proper vacation can repair and expand higher order brain function that a stressful year has debilitated and even damaged. The reward for the time you invest in a vacation is a brain humming with the creative intelligence, emotional balance, and physical energy that sustains you at the top of your game. When you return from vacation, neurologically you will be ahead of the person you worried would get ahead of you.

Here’s How to Take Your Vacation

Think of your vacation as an intensive care unit for your brain, where no one from the outside is allowed to enter your personal space who might stress you. That means that before you leave for your trip, put your email account on auto-responder.

When you arrive at your destination, put your Blackberry in a drawer. If you have to use it, be disciplined about letting non-urgent business calls go to voice mail.

Here’s a simple approach to making your vacation rejuvenate your brain.

(1)  Start your day in quiet in a place where you won’t be disturbed and follow the process below:

  • Close your eyes or take a downward gaze.
  • Tilt your head toward your heart. Follow your breathing. Imagine each breath softening your heart and opening it wider.
  • Take a few minutes to frame the day in a positive light.
  • Feel appreciation for the gift of another day of life.
  • Feel appreciation for another day to be with the ones you love.
  • Set the intention to have a relaxing, happy day.
  • Make your goal to succeed at love, peace and joy.

(2) During the day,

  • Practice being present, right here, right now.
  • Practice letting go of worries and judgments.
  • Commit to tuning into your loved ones. Rediscover them all over again.
  • Hold the intention to listen better, judge less, and forgive more. In fact, practice judging nothing that happens while on vacation, from traffic jams to unpleasant people.